women
in employment
Sometimes working and career oriented women
used to achieving goals may see a new baby as their next project. Many
of us are fiercely independent and have a strong sense of control over
our life choices, for example, finances, careers and travel. A miscarriage
is often the first situation in which we are unable to achieve our goal,
either in the time frame expected, or at all. In addition to grieving
the loss of our babies, we also suffer the discomfort of going through
a major re-evaluation of the control we thought we had over our lives.
These two sources of grief (the baby and the life we thought we were about
to have right now) both need our attention in order to resolve them.
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"It just
didn't seem like having a baby". Anon |
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Returning to work can be challenging. The response
from some workmates may be upsetting, hurtful, unsupportive or disappointing.
Thinking that others do not understand, often makes us put on a brave
face. Keeping strong feelings under control is exhausting and doing this
during the working day leads to falling apart in the evenings and weekends,
putting extra pressure on partners or family and friends.
Planning your return to work may help to make things easier. Take time
to consider your options, think about the intensity of your grief and
its unpredictability, your ability to cope with work and that you could
need medical attention. You may wish to take sick, maternity or special
leave until you are better able to cope physically and emotionally. This
may need to be negotiated with your employer, at which time it would be
a good idea to decide what level of disclosure you wish to make about
your plans to have a child and the implications this has for your future
at work.
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"Everything at work seemed surreal. I just sat there doing
my job and kept to myself as it was hard to relate to anyone
or anything around me. My co-workers, who knew, were kind and
would come and quietly pat me on the shoulder, sometimes handing
me a tissue for the tears I hadn't noticed that had been running
down my face". Vonney |
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A suggestion with regard to day to day working
relationships;
Other women have found it can be really helpful to confide in one or two
trusted work mates.
Your wishes about 'how you would like your miscarriage handled by your
colleagues and the support you would like to receive from them' can be
discussed and a plan created, your mates making sure that it is carried
out for you.
If you use this method, remember you can change your mind and your plan
at any time as you begin to adjust to your loss.
We also suggest down-loading 'what to say and what not to say' from off
our website under, 'helping some-one after miscarriage' to give to your
work mates. People with the best of intentions often get it wrong, not
because they don't care, but because they don't understand.
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"I tried to put
up a front that I was okay but I did not feel myself. I was hurting
badly. I tried to get back into the swing of life, but it was hard
as I really felt that I did not have much to live for. I put on
the act, cried alone and waited for the day that I could try again".
Vicky |
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In New Zealand 'The Human Rights Act 1993' covers
the rights of Pregnant Workers. If you need information, call the 'Human
Rights Act Helpdesk' on 0800 496 877.
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