shame
Shame seems to be one of the strongest feelings
for some women, often mixed in with guilt/failure as well as all the other
feelings that come and go and seem to hit us like a roller coaster, causing
confusion and often a feeling of going mad. Each person has their own
unique experience so with the kind permission from the brave women who
have written about shame, we have set out the following examples from
our Bulletin Board.
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As the pain and heartache of miscarriage lessens, I am aware
that I carry a certain amount of shame. It has been almost a year
since we lost our first pregnancy and I am still uncomfortable telling
people. I can't entirely explain why. I will try to make sense of
the feelings for myself as I write this. Thank you for the opportunity.
It is partly that there is an expectation in society that making
babies is a natural part of life. Therefore, losing a baby carries
with it a feeling of failure.
Miscarriage is shrouded in secrecy. I think I know it has happened
to other people...wiser older people like an aunty of mine, but
no-one talks about it...so neither should I.
That miscarriage is a hidden experience for many people, perpetuates
the feeling of shame for me. It is simply not talked about - "out
there". I don't agree that women seek out websites such as
this for support because we are busy at work. I believe it offers
us anonymity, because speaking out in public about our experiences
is just not done.
It is ok to wear a tee-shirt empathising with the tragic loss of
life to breast-cancer, suicide or (now) domestic violence. Mental
illness is acknowledged as part of life. We advertise it on TV.
But we do not speak of the loss of our babies.
I can't explain it in any other way than that it is something we
associate with failure and shame. I don't know which comes first,
but I would like it to change. It leaves us very isolated. Thank
you for this place, it has helped me to survive miscarriage and
I am grateful for it everyday.
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I don't know about shame, but definitely incompetence. Like all
those people who have their children 10 months after their marriage
thinking that somehow it's because of their abilities, or that it's
in their control. As if we are just not competent and that's just
too bad. Which makes me reluctant to share the 'miss' with them,
because I don't need them feeling bad for me or whatever- like a
pity case.
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I thought I was the only one who felt that way…. Its not
quite shame, but I am embarrassed to tell people I had a m/c as
I feel like a failure and I feel like I have let them down.
When I was speaking with my brother after the m/c he said he felt
the same (his wife has had 2 m/c). It is a shame we feel this way,
and I can't give any really logical reason why, and this board is
great, because we all have the same feelings and we don't have to
be embarrassed or ashamed, it is full of love and support.
Thanks to everyone.
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I've felt shame. And I once tried to explain it to my family. I
was questioned as to why I should feel shame and was basically told
that was a load of rubbish!
I was ashamed for having failed, failed myself, my baby and my family.
I was ashamed when I became pregnant again, in case I failed again,
and I so feared anyone knowing that I was pregnant.
Like some of the others have said - it definitely is a topic that
is kept very quiet. There are dozens of people who know I lost a
pregnancy, yet no one talks to me about it. Not sure why really
- I wonder if it is because they are scared it will upset me, or
they think I should be over it and thus it does not matter or need
to be talked about.
I guess everyone feels a different array of emotions following a
miscarriage, but yes - I have felt a lot of shame.
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I think shame is somewhat tied into
guilt that many people feel. Even though the majority of miscarriages
cannot be prevented, and women know that, so when thinking rationally,
it is quite common to wonder "what if?" - i.e. what
if I had known I was pregnant earlier? What if I had done something
different? etc...
It's so disappointing to lose an unborn baby, and since that baby
is totally dependent on mum, I think is common for women to feel
responsible for the loss - even when nothing they could have done
would have changed things! (Nothing can save a non-viable pregnancy.
M.S.A.)
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Hi. Why shame? The only way in my
thinking is if people perhaps had a termination but told people
they miscarried maybe that's why some feel shame...(just a thought)
I feel no shame in my 3 m/cs that I've had but as the above people
said its more incompetence I felt....no need for shame...it's
Gods way and obviously he knew it wasn't time for a new life to
be bought into this world...as the docs at hospital said to me when
its the right time it will happen...
Shame, yes, I guess this would be one of the ways of expressing
it. Many have found through the lack of support and understanding,
that we have suffered a loss which is really not acknowledged. It
is only those who have suffered a miscarriage who really understand.
We kno, it is not usually our body's fault, but often a chromosomal
abnormality which has caused it. Yes, it is natural for a mother,
especially a first time one to feel that their body has failed them,
especially those who go on to have repeat miscarriages.
It is really thanks to the Auckland Miscarriage Support site that
the information is actually there for others to validate their thoughts
and feelings, this board likewise.
If others were better educated on miscarriage, then there would
be far more support available. It's a hard one really, we have suffered
a loss, yet have nothing to show for it.
We are grieving but have not buried our babies, so peoples'
understanding is very limited. That's when the thoughtless remarks
such as "you can go on to have other children" seems so
hurtful and heartless.
A good reason to feel shame I guess.
Many do not realise that our baby has an identity, they are a person
who like others, have gone off to be an Angel in Heaven, just much
sooner than any of us would have liked.
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Can I add my 2cents worth too?
For me it wasn't 'shame'. 'Failure' is the word I'd probably use
- how could my body fail me?
(I asked myself that plenty of times when it happened)
I felt like I failed not only myself but also my wonderful DH. I
also felt alone, as no-one wanted to talk about it, even my mother
who had a m/c before me, told me to 'just get over it you'll have
another one' - but I wanted that one!
There was one book that I was told about and it has been mentioned
here in the past that really helped me, it's called 'Life after
baby loss'. It's written by a NZ woman, Nicola Miller-Clendon, and
also has bits in it from other women as well. It helped me so much
by realising that what I was feeling is 'normal' and it's ok to
have these feelings -it's all part of grieving.
And then when I came across this website which has also helped with
the healing, being able to talk to other people and having the caring
support that is given is just wonderful. - God bless you all!
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Hello! What a popular subject. My
very first reaction to my m/c was shame. Shame because it took so
long to even become pregnant when all my friends, family, and people
in my community were getting pregnant with ease. Shame because after
all this time, the 1st one died inside of me, forcing me to have
a D&C due to a "missed abortion." I didn't even have
the dramatic spotting, bleeding, cramping, just an enigmatic death.
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