helping
someone after a miscarriage
When we offer help to someone through this time,
they are often in such shock they don't know what they need. The objectives
are to encourage the venting of her grief and re-establishing her self-esteem
while recognising her sorrow. Whatever the person is feeling, they deserve
to have their feelings supported by the people around them.
Do's
- Contact is important. Be there if possible, but if not, ring or
write. Whatever the person is feeling, they deserve to have their
feelings supported by people around them.
- A hug or arm around her shoulders is comforting.
- Understand that her tears are a healthy response and should never
be discouraged. Having a box of tissues handy is helpful.
- Let her do the talking. Be the passive partner who asks questions
and focus on certain points to help her talk about her feelings. It
is sufficient to just listen.
- Tell her how you feel about her losing the baby and how sorry you
are.
- Acknowledge her pain even if you think you would not react this
way in this situation.
- Ask questions about her experience, how she is really feeling and
what she is thinking about.
- When you ask her partner how she is doing, don't forget to ask him
how he is.
- Encourage her to be patient and not to impose 'shoulds' on herself.
- grieving takes time
- Reassure them they did everything they could and it wasn't their
fault - it helps alleviate their guilt.
- Grieving is a physically exhausting process and she will probably
need to sleep or rest during the day. Take whatever steps necessary
to give her the uninterrupted peace to do this.
- The intensity of grief fluctuates. During less tearful times a change
of scenery is appreciated.
- Do something practical such as hanging up the washing/shopping or
offer to take around a meal.
- Put on soothing music for her to listen to, offer a back massage,
a walk on the beach. When she feels ready, take her to a movie of
her choice.
- If you are seriously worried about her behaviour, seek professional
advice. As a rule of thumb, as long as she is not damaging herself,
another person or property, you probably don't have anything to worry
about.
Don'ts
- Don't ignore her because you feel helpless or uncomfortable with
grief - she will wonder if what happened to her means nothing to you.
- Don't think that miscarriage is easier to cope with than a stillbirth
or neonatal death. The truth is that her baby has just died, and it
doesn't really matter how pregnant she was.
- Don't be anxious or embarrassed about making her cry. It is not
what you said or did that upset her, but losing the baby. By allowing
her to cry, you are helping her work through the process of grief.
- Don't confuse support with "cheering her up". Grief is an enormously
powerful emotion and needs releasing, not repressing.
- Don't put on a bright cheery front yourself.
- Don't be nervous and keep talking. There is nothing wrong with silence.
You can share silence with a good friend.
- Don't be tempted to be judgmental in any way about her feelings
or reactions. People in grief often behave out of character or inappropriately
and need your unconditional support. Things will eventually return
to normal and she will feel grateful that you stood by her.
- Don't have expectations about how long it should take her to recover.
Losing a baby is one of life's most difficult experiences and the
depth of her grief is shocking even to her.
- Don't assume there will be another pregnancy.
- Don't try to do all the housework. Although well intentioned, she
needs to feel capable and useful.
- Don't minimise her loss by offering platitudes such as "you're young
enough to try again", or "it was nature's way of getting rid of an
imperfect baby". It is appropriate to deal with this as you would
any other death.
- Don't say that "she's so lucky to have the other kids" - her pain
is for this baby and other children don't take that away.
- Don't forget her children have lost a sibling, and it is natural
for them to react in some way.
- Don't feel guilty if you're pregnant. Just forgive her if she's
cold and withdrawn, it's her way of coping.
- Don't feel you have to keep your children away. She must go through
the process of accepting others' children.
- Don't ask how she is feeling if you only do so as a social obligation
as it obliges you to listen carefully to the complete answer.
Seven helpful things to say
- "I'm so sorry about your Miscarriage." These simple words mean a
lot, especially if you allow the Mum or Dad to talk further, or not
to talk, as they wish.
- "I know how much you wanted that baby." Here you are simply acknowledging
that something precious has been lost, and opening a door to talk
more.
- "It's okay to cry." - this can sound like Hollywood but it's reassuring
for the Mum or Dad to know they are not being judged for their tears
and sadness.
- "Can I call you back next week to see how you are doing?" Often
people are sympathetic the first time, then never mention miscarriage
again. You can expect the parents to still be grieving for weeks or
months, so it is reassuring for them to know your support is ongoing.
- "I was wondering how you are feeling about your miscarriage now"
- it's nice for them to have the opportunity to talk about their miscarriage
even if it is a long time later and after a successful pregnancy as
well. Parents do not forget a miscarriage.
- "I don't really know what to say." The good thing about this is
that it is honest. The fact that you are available to listen is what's
really important.
- "It must be so awful for you after going through those weeks of
IVF treatment to have lost your baby."
Seven things not to say
- "You can always have another one" - it doesn't help much to know
you can have another baby. The parents didn't just want any baby,
they wanted THAT baby. Before they can think about another one they
need to grieve for their lost one. They have lost their hopes and
dreams as well.
- "There was probably something wrong with it - it's natures way."
This may be true but it is no comfort to hear it. They want to believe
it was a perfect baby, and that's who they are grieving for.
- "It's God's will" - People may or may not believe this. Whatever
the case, it's still sad. You are better supporting the parents' grief
than getting into theology.
- "At least you didn't know the baby - it would have been much worse
if it had happened later" - it does not help to minimise and
invalidate a miscarriage, it is not the length of the pregnancy, but
the strength of the parents' attachment, that determines the intensity
of their grief.
- "I know how you feel" - this statement can seem arrogant, even if
you have miscarried yourself, as everyone reacts differently. Other
losses can compound grief.
- "It wasn't really a baby yet" - that may not be how the parents
see it. If it wasn't a baby what was it? To them it was real and they
are grieving.
- "You're young, there's plenty of time. If you'd stop focusing
on being pregnant so much it will just happen"
If in doubt, say something - anything - and be prepared
to listen. Possibly the hardest thing, even harder than hearing an
insensitive comment, is when people say nothing at all.
(The Seven helpful things to say and
Seven things not to say lists are compiled from information courtesy of
the Wellington Miscarriage Group)
|
