grief
issues special to miscarriage
Miscarriage involves a number of potential significant
losses and is a complex grief that can involve an additional kind of suffering
that is not necessarily present with other types of bereavement. Not only
have we lost our baby, we are suffering from the effects of a birth and
a death and we usually do not have a baby to bury. A funeral normally
gives others their cue of how to behave appropriately and when there isn't
one they are often at a loss themselves and may not even realise we are
grieving. This adds to our stress as we can then feel we need to explain
this, whereas with a still-birth or loss of a child, everyone is aware
of the devastation and expects us to grieve. People may not want to talk
about what has happened and it's the only thing we can think of.
When our miscarriage has been early in the pregnancy (or even later) it
can be minimised and invalidated but for us, it is the strength of the
bond with our baby not the length of the pregnancy that determines the
depth of our grief.
There are also the other losses that are more difficult to explain unless
the person has had a miscarriage themselves, which is why talking to someone
who has had one, can offer the most comfort and empathy. This can be a
grandmother, mother, sister, friend, medical professional and even sometimes,
unexpectedly, a woman who is perhaps only an acquaintance or even a stranger
(as on a bulletin board) because they understand the feelings and possible
losses involved like -
- the loss of the festivities of a joyous birth and perhaps future
ones
- the loss of our dreams for this child and the future our family
would have had together - we had made plans for life
- the loss of being able to call ourselves a mother (if no previous
pregnancies)
- the loss of access to successful womanhood (in our own or others
eyes)
- the loss of trust in the body we feel has betrayed us
- the actual physical loss and the fear that can be felt from the
amount of blood passed
- the confusion and dismay when experiencing a 'blighted ovum' when
there is only an empty sac
- the loss of innocence for future pregnancies
- the loss of the belief system we didn't even necessarily recognise
we held that says "this won't happen to me"
- the loss of our basic trust in life
- the loss of control over our expectations of life
- the loss of the achievement of a goal we had set for ourselves
(this may not have been experienced before)
- the loss of self-confidence
- the loss of control of our feelings
- the threat of loss of our identity
- the failure to reproduce when the body is giving monthly signals
of fertility
- the illogical shame, guilt or embarrassment
- the worries or fears that this amount of grief (over what is often
seen as a minor blip in life) cannot be normal
- the feeling we should hide our loss and not talk about it as others
think we are over-reacting
- to be unable to do what other women seem easily able to do as a
'natural part of life' and our jealousy and anger of that
- the loss or change in relationships (sometimes permanently) as
we experience others lack of understanding and the isolation and loneliness
this causes
- dealing with others' inappropriate comments, some with the best
of intentions
- dealing with the thoughtless attitude of others, who have children
without experiencing problems, which can be complacent, smug or pitying
(perhaps unintentionally)
- dealing with our feelings over others' pregnancies (relatives being
even more difficult), especially when they are due around the time
we would have been and then later their new babies
- our strong reaction when we observe children being mistreated,
feeling how precious they would be to us
- the 'what if's' or 'if only's' that may result from us not even
knowing we were pregnant
- the thought that we have somehow killed our baby, or we did something
wrong
- the longing for our baby not to be taken away with a D&C even when
we know he or she is dead
- the loss of our last chance of having a child because of our age
- the loss of our last chance to conceive because of the inability
to pay or be eligible for further IVF treatment
- the feeling we have let our partner/others down
- the guilt and confusion if we have previously had an abortion
- the sometimes harsh judgements we make about ourselves
Living in a world where science has overcome
many things, and especially in the health area, she can be shocked and
dismayed to find that there are no straight-forward answers to miscarriage
from the health professionals. Sometimes their pragmatic attitude to miscarriage
can be very hurtful. Referring to the baby as 'clots' or 'tissue' and
their use of the medical term 'abortion' in conjunction with a 'miscarriage'
seems harsh and judge-mental to us. A miscarriage can be seen as a minor
medical occurrence by them and the grief that it can generate is not always
understood. We have found that women heal more quickly when they experience
an understanding and empathetic attitude from their LMC.
In this century with the expectation of 'instant everything' and 'women
can do it!' along with perhaps not experiencing death, there is also not
the sense of acceptance and resignation of life's realities, which could
help with the acceptance of losses.
As women (certainly in New Zealand) now have their children later, average
age 30 years, and their genetic signals intensify, they become aware
of their biological clock ticking (DEL), so their reaction to loss can
be stronger. Their chances of a healthy baby lessen with age too. Women
are born with about 2 million eggs although only about 400 of these will
be released in our lifetime. Something many women are not aware of is
that, the perfection of these eggs decreases with a woman's age beginning
at approximately 27 and from 35 years on, the rate of decline accelerates.
This leads to a higher rate of pregnancy loss and can also create problems
even if the baby is carried to full term. Women can feel pressured (by
themselves or others) to try again quickly, often not taking the time
to allow the grief from their miscarriage to pass (3 to 6 months is a
guideline). This can have consequences such as partnership stress and/or
post-natal depression later following a successful pregnancy.
Women are always looking for answers to 'why' and, although there are
reasons, they do not usually find out what they are, so miscarriage grief
is not so much about finding the answer they yearn for, as learning how
to live without one.
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