Often men say they want to put the ordeal behind them. If you and your partner deny yourselves the chance to grieve, the pain will not go away. It is commonly accepted that men find it harder than women to share their emotions. If you have been brought up with 'big boys don't cry', how can you change? The starting point must be talking honestly about your feelings. It is essential to plan time together to do this.
Because women and men bond differently to their expected child, they grieve differently. You may become impatient if you feel ready to move on when your partner still needs support. Women tend to never really forget their loss and it is not uncommon for them to take up to six months to get back to relative normality and their perception of life then will be different, as it may be for you. That something as such a seemingly natural process as having a baby did not happen, although others appear to have no problems, usually means an awareness for you both of a heightened sense of risk for future pregnancies and often for life in general.
We cannot stress strongly enough that the support you give your partner now will always be appreciated. It may not seem that way at times, because of the effects of grief but sadly, a lack of it during a miscarriage can cause long-term relationship friction and even breakdown. You might find that sometimes you dislike being around or blame or resent each other because neither of you relate to the other’s behaviour, especially in your partner’s case if she has what seems to be unreasonable emotional outbursts. If this happens, don't ignore it and assume things will improve. Outside help is needed to come to an understanding and acceptance between you both and to learn how to heal and cope with the situation. How can you help each other when you are both suffering in your own ways? Use our ‘Supportline’ number or find help or grief counselling in your own area.
For the future, you also need to understand that compared to this lost pregnancy, milestones will become very much more important to your partner with the next baby. The apprehension can be overwhelming but if you don’t feel the same intensity of feelings as her, accept that’s how it is and still support her. You, and perhaps she, may feel a subdued excitement again but for her it will probably be too precious to admit to and best let to surface gradually as her confidence grows with the baby’s development. Your partner may just be so apprehensive that she won’t even acknowledge any hope and only feel able to react lovingly when a healthy baby is placed in her arms. Just be there for her whatever she feels.‘I supported my wife devoutly over the weeks after the miscarriage. When she wept I was strong and comforted her, holding back my own emotions. And we made it through. Now, with my wife expecting again, I find I have adopted a much more cautious approach to dealing mentally with the pregnancy.’ Justin |
| "I was at a party and was asked by a group of guys how many children I had. I answered 'seven, but only one living' and before I knew it I was having an intense emotional discussion with three men whose partners had recently miscarried. I was surprised at the depth of emotion and loss that they felt as my first partner had never been 'there' for me." Tania |
For further reading... Miscarriages Hurt Men Too by Peter Burdon is an ebook about twelve men from around the world sharing their miscarriage experiences. See our resource section for more information.