how
do we know our grieving is complete?
Some have described it as a feeling of peacefulness
or returning contentment. Others talk about a "desire to let go and move
on". Eventually there comes a day we can look back and think "I have not
felt sad" or "I have not felt that awful empty pain inside me for some
time" or "being able to laugh and look forward again without feeling guilty
and to really think about things other than our loss."
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"Although there never is a line drawn that says 'grief ends here',
when dealt with in a healthy way it does eventually transmute into
a form which we can live with. I remember with great clarity, when
long after my miscarriage a chance remark reminded me of my loss
and I really sobbed to exhaustion. At the time I thought my response
inappropriate because it had all happened so long ago. But I now
know in retrospect that it was the turning point towards a deeper
level of acceptance. It felt like a cleansing of the guilt and hurt
and the shadow of that gradually dissipated afterwards.
I finally came to that place where the intermittent memories were
good ones and comforted myself that my baby's soul had gone on growing
after it had left my body and was happy and adjusted somewhere.
Perhaps even vicariously part of the family as we often think of
other dead relatives - I'm sure my mother is at family celebrations
and sorrows. It felt okay to put my baby's soul to rest and no longer
a betrayal or denial of her or his brief existence. She or he would
always be a part of us through memory." Vonney
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Even once the grieving process is completed, it is not uncommon for some
of these feelings to return, either on the baby's due date or on the anniversary
of the miscarriage. However, if the grieving process is truly completed,
these "anniversary phenomenon" feelings should not be overwhelming.
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