our
children
Many couples resist telling their older children about the miscarriage,
especially if they didn't even know about the pregnancy. However, you
will not be yourself and the children will pick up on the fact that something
is not right. We need to tell them about the miscarriage because:
- They need to understand they are not responsible for what is wrong
with us.
- They need to know that it is a common and normal experience.
- They need to be prepared for the possibility of you spending time
in hospital and convalescing later.
- The situation is not permanent, we will all get better.
It will not be easy. Be honest, no half
truths or phrases such as 'I've lost the baby', 'the baby has gone to
sleep', 'God took the baby to be with him', 'he has passed away' or 'our
baby has gone to a better place'. These are confusing and may be misinterpreted
and children can fill in the gaps and sometimes blame themselves. Perhaps
they did not want the baby or did something naughty and feel it is their
fault your baby has died. It is important to re-assure them that nothing
they did caused this.
It is also important not to simply say ' the baby got sick and the doctor
couldn't fix her/him and they died' as they may think they will too. If
you need to explain what death means you can say that their body is not
working any more, it cannot move or cry and cannot be fixed. If they are
old enough to ask why, perhaps, 'Sometimes this just happens and we don't
know why.' If you do have a reason for your baby's death explain it in
simple terms that they will understand. If you have requested a post-mortem
tell them the doctors are trying to find out but still may not know even
then.
You may need to repeat this information as it takes time for them to understand.
Keep them informed about what is happening (like having a goodbye ceremony
and allowing them to participate) so they don't feel left out or confused.
Many women like to think of their lost baby as an angel and perhaps that
could be a way to explain that their spirit has left their body.
If you are keeping a box or similar of cards or mementos they may like
to put something of their own in, like a poem or a toy or if you are going
to plant a shrub in a garden or pot get them to help you do this. Always
involve them so they will think of your lost baby as part of the family.
Let them know how you are feeling so that they know it's okay to cry when
you are sad and hurting or to smile and laugh and be happy too. Offer
to cuddle them any time they feel sad to help them feel better. They could
suffer from as many emotions as an adult. This may all be pretty difficult
when you are grieving yourself and their lives go on as normal and you
feel anything but, however it is also an opportunity to bring a closer
relationship between you and your children. You may also feel overprotective
for a while but this will fade as the grieving lessens.
Under three years old
Simply tell them that your baby has died and that's why Mummy and Daddy
are sad. It is not their fault. Although they have no concept of death
they still could become irritable and have disturbed sleeping patterns
because of how you are feeling.
Three to six year olds
Children of this age may have some understanding of death but see it as
a temporary situation and not the finality of it so they could ask questions
about when the baby is coming home. This is the age when they think they
could be to blame.
Six to nine years old
These children do understand the finality of death and can obsess about
dying, including losing their parents. They need re-assurances but be
careful of how you word your promise of staying alive. They will need
to know more detail including that the baby did not die a violent death
(a supposition for some children).
Nine to 12 years old
Most of this age group will have an understanding of death's finality,
perhaps from when a pet has died or even a family member. They will probably
express their own feelings and may also be able to offer you some comfort.
Teenagers
Not an easy age to have to deal with death as they want to retain their
feeling of being bullet-proof which the baby's death will challenge. They
may be more comfortable talking to a family friend than your-selves and
often also need time to come to terms with the situation. Their re-actions
could be anything from loud music to staying out late or a comforting
hug.
Explain to your family, friends, kindergarten or school if necessary what
you have told your children so that no-one feels they have to make their
own explanation. You understand best what your children are capable of
dealing with. Ask that they support you or leave the subject alone.
A synopsis from "Life after baby loss" with the kind permission of
Nicola Miller-Clendon, Author.
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MISCARRIAGE AND CHILDREN
When our third child died at 21 weeks, our daughter was 6 and
our son 4 years old. They had been very interested, excited and
loving towards the new baby.
We told both children the baby had died, that we didn't know
why and that I would have to go to hospital for him to be "born."
The morning after the delivery our daughter brought us breakfast
in bed (a cracker, a plum, a Xmas rum ball and a glass of juice
each!) Over the next couple of weeks she expressed her grief by
writing notes saying "ded baby" and leaving them around
the house. There were dozens of them and they were quite something
for a grieving mother to come across under cushions, in drawers,
on chairs, falling out of picture books at story time...
She also made jokes and was very flippant, though the tears weren't
far away. "Poor baby" she said over and over. During
this time she frequently wet her pants. She said some words at the
memorial service about how happy she had been when told we were
having another baby and then how sad she was when told the baby
had died. She was very kind and capable at comforting me when I
was sad. She looked at the photos, took them away and drew pictures,
putting one in a frame on my bedside table.
When our son heard the news he held his chin in his hands and cried,
obviously distressed, occasionally wiping away tears. Finally he
said, "But I wanted him to be alive." We said we wanted
that too and we all cried. One day soon after, while he and I were
doing the dishes I received an upsetting phone call about the baby
and I didn't go back into the kitchen. He called me twice,
asking why. When I explained I was too sad, he came out, solemnly
drying his hands, saying "I have to dry my hands very carefully
because you need a hug" and proceeded to hug and kiss me a
hundred times.
Anonymous
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