the
worlds most secret club
From the beginning, we knew we would be among the
new generation of “older” parents. Terri and I met in Nepal, where
I was the Director of an aid agency and she was doing volunteer work with the
Mother Theresa Hospice. After a long-distance romance, I moved to New Zealand
to be with her. From the time we started to share our hopes and dreams, we
found ourselves in complete agreement on the question of children. We both
wanted two girls two years apart. Following our marriage in 1984, we lived
five years as a childless couple with all the freedom that allowed. In August
of 1988, we felt we had indulged ourselves enough, and decided it was time
to start our family. Of course, we expected an immediate pregnancy followed
by a problem-free birth.
After a year of trying, with Terri still not pregnant, we visited fertility specialist
Richard Fisher. But shortly after hearing our IVF options, I awoke one day to
find a card on the table for me – a Father’s Day Card! Terri was
pregnant – without any intervention by the good Doctor Fisher.
We immediately began the preparing for our impending family – arranging
the baby’s room: clothes, toys, change table, bassinet, carry basket, and
then thinking further: pre-school, school, university! We were becoming a family – with
a family future ahead of us. Life was perfect! The following weeks were exciting
- planning and buying for the baby.
And then, one day, I came home to find Terri distraught and in tears. She told
me she had miscarried.
The perfect life was all over – all in a flash.
This was so unexpected – and so unusual. After all, a miscarriage was a
rare occurrence, wasn’t it? Why had it happened to us? How could we be
so unlucky? What did we do wrong?
Naturally, Terri was devastated. I was upset and saddened, and confused over
this tragedy. What could I do? What was the role of the father-to-be (or not-to-be
in this case)? I could offer comfort to Terri in my own feeble way, but I think
she was the stronger of us.
But I was still baffled over why this exceptional tragedy could happen to us.
Who could I talk to who would understand? Our families all knew about the pregnancy,
so obviously they had to be told what had happened. And that is where I became
enlightened. In talking with my mother, she informed me “of course you
know I lost a baby between your brother and sister.” And then, “Maybe
you didn’t know that your sister lost her first pregnancy.” As
we informed family, we learned of more miscarriages; it seemed that nearly every
mother had experienced at least one loss among their successful deliveries.
What was this, a conspiracy? I became aware that we were now members of one of
the biggest secret clubs in the world – parents who experience miscarriages.
I realised there is nothing bizarre or unusual about miscarriages at all. In
fact, they occur far more frequently than anyone lets on. But why was this such
a secret? They are a natural and surprisingly frequent part of the human species’ reproductive
process. And there was nothing to be ashamed of or hide from.
Why are hopeful parents not aware of the frequency of miscarriages? Why are they
such a secret? There is nothing at all “wrong” with the parents.
It is, in fact, a perfectly natural, though tragic, event. While there is no
cause to celebrate the occasion, it shouldn’t be hidden from the world
either. The more open this ‘secret club’ becomes, the less traumatic
will be the impact on the many, many parents-to-be who are yet to inevitably
experience it. The work of Miscarriage Support in educating people to the reality
of life is invaluable.
Oh, and in the end… we now have two lovely girls – two years apart!
David
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miscarriage
what is a miscarriage?
types of miscarriage
miscarriage at home
miscarriage at hospital (D&C)
why miscarriages happen
scans
medical FAQ's
parents rights
things we may not know
infrequent conditions
molar pregnancy
ectopic pregnancy
vanishing twin syndrome
recurrent miscarriage (RPL)
testing for RPL